I know that when I am doing something right, something (or someone) will come along and try to slam me down. Sometimes, even when I see it coming, it blindsides me. I get hurt, I say things better left unsaid (at least to people), and make mistakes. I'll be the first to admit it.
Today was one of those days. I allowed negativity to cloud my judgement. I allowed it to control my thoughts and actions. I said nasty things to my sweetheart because "he deserved it." I had a grown-up tantrum in other words.
The truth is, he didn't deserve it. I was feeling unloved, misunderstood, frustrated, and ignored, and I took it out on someone else. I blamed him for the feelings I was having, that had generated inside of me.
The reason I am sharing this is, even when we know better, we make mistakes. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this. I was at a point this morning, where I wanted to just crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to put the world and my responsibilities in it on pause while I sorted myself out. I knew I couldn't have my way, but I wanted it, darn it!
Sounds pretty childish, huh?
Well, I am a person that is not going to make a mistake without learning from it, so I want to share with you what I learned from this mistake. If there is even one person that can be helped in one way from this information, then I want it out there.
1. I learned more about why children throw tantrums, and break things, and say mean things.
We are all children on this earth trying to figure out this whole mortality thing. When I had my little tantrum this morning, I was calling out for attention. I wanted to be noticed and cared about, even though I wasn't going about it in the nicest way. I had become a porcupine - very difficult to hug, very lonely and hurt and scared. Maybe when my children act this way, they are looking for love and attention like I was. Maybe it would help to have more patience with them, and remind them that no matter what, they are loved and cherished by no one more than me and my husband.
1. I learned that I had some (more) internal housekeeping to do.
What? I thought I got rid of all my negative emotions! I thought I'd forgiven completely! I thought I wasn't going to blame or bring up the past anymore! We'll guess what; I did, and it wasn't pretty. When a relationship is scarred that deeply, the wounds are far and long reaching. They affect aspects of every dimention of life. I was so focused on what he did, and what he needed to do for me, that I made it his responsibility to make me feel better, which is an impossibility. No one can make us feel an emotion without our consent. Having said that, it takes practice to learn how to be in charge of our emotions and reactions to others. Of course others are going to affect us, it's up to us to decide what we are going to keep in our vessel, and what we are going to carry around with us. We can either carry things that build us up, or tear us down. I learned I need to get rid of the things that are inside of me that are tearing me down.
1. I learned about forgiveness.
My biggest fear after my outburst, was that my husband would leave and/or make bad choices as a result of my actions. That's not very fair to me and I decided right then and there that his actions were not my responsibility. After I calmed down, I asked for forgiveness for the not-so-nice things I had said and done. Not only did I ask forgiveness from my husband, I asked it of my Heavenly Father. I didn't act in a way that he would like me to act, though I knew he understood me better than anyone. I didn't feel condemned in any way, and I new my loving Heavenly Father would never shame me. My husband forgave me and my Heavenly Father granted me peace (and a heavenly hug). I know that my Heavenly Father knows me better and loves be better than anyone else, and that I can turn to him when I feel like I have no where else to go.
I am far from perfect, and the day is far from over, but I have a bit better of an outlook.
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