Some Things I Know

My name is Marianne DeNovellis. I have been married to my husband for just under 11 years. I got married at a  very young age, and at the time I knew he was viewing pornography, but I didn't know how serious it was. I had no idea that it was an addiction. I had no idea that it would take hold of our lives and attempt to wring the life out of both of us before long. In my experience with pornography I have learned much. Like I said in the beginning, I didn't know how pernicious it was. I didn't know how addictive it was. I didn't know how it could really over take a person. During our 10 years of marriage, I have "found out" about multiple relapses and incidences of pornography use. In the past it has never been opened up or revealed to me by my husband, I have only ever found it and confronted him. Every single one of those confrontations is painful and gut wrenching. It's not just the pornography--it's the lying and the infidelity that comes with the pornography. It is not commonly understood that even looking at pornography is being morally unfaithful to your wife. Without stopping, it invariably leads to physical infidelity.The mind of an addict is so, frankly, ill. The mind of an addict is sick.  The mind of an addict is damaged. The physiological and physical hardwiring of the brain is so totally and completely warped as to impair judgment.The addict may know the consequences of their actions before they act out, and they may know it will strip them of their family.  They may know it will possibly send them to jail. They may know that they will lose everything. Yet when the moment comes, when the opportunity and the choice comes to view pornography, those consequences can have little to no weight when it comes up against the need and the desire of the brain and the body to the fill it's lusts. As a wife, I have endured years of this. I have endured years of my husband's pornography use, I have endured multiple affairs. And, I'm going to be honest with you, there have been days where I questioned whether or not I would do it again. Of course I have days where I regretted marrying my husband. Of course I have days where I have the idea that divorce maybe a better option. Our battle with this addiction is ongoing. It will never be over. However, I fight this battle every single day. I get to choose how I feel about my husband's addiction and about myself. Many many people have recommended that I leave him. Many many people in the interest of showing their love for me have told me to get out. I love them I respect their opinions, however this marriage is between me and my husband and my God. Ultimately the decision whether or not to stay or go is between me and my God. My mission on this earth is to be in alignment with what God wants for me. Some things I know about pornography: It deadens everything. It deadens the ability to feel. It deadens the ability to love. It damages and warps the idea of physical intimacy. In my experience I have had hatred, I have had anger, I have felt ultimate betrayal, every negative emotion under the sun. Here is the difference. If I allow myself to be overtaken by these emotions instead of mastering them then I am subject. The people that create pornography and the people that inspire them to do so rejoice in my sorrow. They rejoice in the fall of great men. They rejoice in the suffering of families. If I live in my victimhood rather than processing and passing through it, they win. If I choose to remain forever in my hatred in my righteous indignation then they win. Then I am just as susceptible to them as the pornography viewer. They induced trauma. Trauma from which we want to escape. And that is exactly what pornography is. Pornography is an escape mechanism from trauma. As with any other addiction. Pornography is more powerful than any other addiction. Pornography is more powerful than alcoholism. Pornography is more powerful than drug abuse.  Pornography is more powerful than any other addiction. It is not a substance that can be flushed out or detoxes from the body. It is a pernicious cancer that must be battled daily. Rather than choosing to be conquered by the emotions of hatred, betrayal ,fear, and anger. I have made the choice. In my marriage I am still in it. My God is still in my marriage. When my husband doesn't want to play, I have my God and my guide to lean on. And to be completely honest with you that happens a majority of the time. My love for my Savior and my God has gotten me through it because I know he loves me too. He loves me more perfectly and I can imagine and certainly more perfectly than my husband ever has. When I am experiencing the worst of the worst. I know my God loves me I know he lives. I choose his way. His way is full of peace. His way is full of light. His way is full of love. What gets me through my hardest days? Making the deliberate and conscious choice to choose peace. I have the ability as does everyone else to look at their lives as if they were looking at a laboratory experiment. We can take the emotions that come with the betrayal of pornography, process them without burying them, and turn them into our strengths. We can sit back and observe without connecting emotion to it. Now a word of caution. This is not the same thing as burying emotion. Emotions are natural. Emotions are healthy. As the wife of any addict or the husband of any addict will tell you, once the emotions leave the picture something is beyond wrong. What I am saying is that we can master our emotions. We can be in control of our emotions. And that is what I choose to do every single day. Do I wish that my husband had never had a pornography addiction? Do I wish that he had never cheated on me? Without a doubt. However I am now who I am because of my experience with that and I love who I am. With our spouse's recoveries, if they choose to recover, We can support them in their efforts. Their efforts. We cannot babysit them and expect them to succeed. Our time and our effort needs to be on our recovery.  I could write a book on this process, (and in fact I am), but until that book is finished here's what I have to offer. All children of God have the ability to return to him. If we so choose. We are each on our own path. I cannot offer advice one way or the other if  you are considering leaving your spouse.  What I can say is that we each need to remain faithful to what we know to be true.